Sex can be foiled at the drop of hat. What I mean by this is that it is incredibly easy for one to have to end intercourse due to unforeseen circumstance. Most of the time this is incredibly irritating for all parties involved; however, sometimes the situation has hilarious consequences, which are only realised in retrospect.
One such situation arose on our four-month anniversary. I know it’s not a real anniversary (missing the vital ‘annual’ component) but we celebrate these little milestones anyway as they give us a sense of accomplishment. Plus it’s an excuse to have wild, dress up sex, eat in a nice restaurant and ultimately get smashed. We did in fact have dinner reservations on this particular pseudo-centennial, and I did ask Marianna to put on some sexy and imaginative underwear before we underwent a serious fucking session. Once things had gotten started and we were deep in the throws of passion, Marianna’s phone started ringing. Often we are faced with this predicament and nine times out of ten the phone is ignored. This being a fairly normal procedure, we continued unperturbed by the jangling little polyphonic ringtone. When the phone rang relentlessly over and over again though, Marianna started to get a little annoyed and our wonderful we’ve-been-doing-this-for-four- months sex was halted abruptly when she eventually answered the phone and mouthed to me, “It’s my mum”. Blinded by my own lust I decided to ignore the fact that it was the mother of the girl I was fucking on the other end of the phone, and maintained a gentle rocking, causing her to words to falter. This was quickly ended though when Marianna jumped off of me uttering the words “I’ll be there in a minute” - the last thing I wanted to hear at that moment in time.
It turned out that her grandmother, who lives a stones throw from Marianna’s house, had fallen in the bath. At the time this was a rather worrying prospect. The old bird is pretty ancient to say the least and the thought of a poor, elderly woman struggling to pull herself from a rapidly cooling tub of water tugged at my heartstrings. Even though I was desperate to…well…cum, to be honest. And so we reluctantly threw our clothes on and walked the hundred yards or so up to her house where we were greeted by an array of family members and emergency – service workers. There was already a carer, Marianna’s brother, an ambulance parked outside, two medics helping her out of the bath and a disgruntled looking social worker. I must say that our presence felt a little unneeded even though Marianna’s mum had insisted that she come to make sure everything was ok. We were still immersed in a kind of sexual haze and her brother was the first to confront us, probing on why we had taken so long to get here. I’ll admit I found this quite funny - there’s something a bit sleazy about my personality and the thought that her brother had no idea I was busy fucking his sister while this family emergency erupted made me chuckle to myself a little. Ain’t I evil?
Eventually it was decided that her grandmother was in a fit state to finish her bath and we were able to sneak away from the commotion. Planning to continue what we had started, we were foiled again when we arrived at her house to find her dad had come home from work just that second. So our sexual desires went again unfulfilled. Not to say that we didn’t have sex. Just that we were unable to resume our dress up game. Or copulate as loudly and as passionately as one would hope to on such a special occasion. I guess the whole grandma thing kind of ruined the moment as well.
We went on to have dinner in a fairly nice restaurant and deemed our special day an overall success with only a little hitch. The whole thing was pretty amusing looking back on it, however irritating it was at the time. And this is usually the case with these situations; no-one likes to be interrupted at their most intimate moments, but it’s fucking hilarious when you think about it.
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